By Ross Rowe | APS Academy
Self-awareness is to mentoring and coaching, as the pastry is to an apple pie!
Self-awareness for mentors and coaches
A participant at the APS Academy’s recent MasterCraft Series event on mentoring and coaching shared an experience of ‘unsolicited’ mentoring that left a sour taste. The person was left with the sense that the interaction was more about some benefit to the mentor than the mentee’s wellbeing and development. Could greater self-awareness on the part of the mentor have led to a positive experience?
Mentoring and coaching are both intended to build capability, solve problems, capture opportunities. They exist in a continuum beginning with directive, instructional teaching, then collaborative, advisory mentoring through to non-directive, empowering coaching. Simplistically, teachers share foundational knowledge and skills; mentors offer guidance and advice based on subject matter expertise and proven performance; and coaches empower people to grow their own agency for creative solutions and progress based on who that person is (not the coach).
Self-awareness can enable mentors and coaches to be present to the needs of the recipient in a foundational and uplifting way. Similarly, the pastry is a container for the apple pie filling that can shift the overall experience from ordinary to great.
Here are three questions every mentor and coach can ask themselves to help set up rich and rewarding conversations with great structure and flavour.
What’s my agenda in this mentor or coach conversation?
When the mentor or coach wants or needs something from the conversation – this becomes our agenda. Communication is generally more effective when the purpose or agenda is clearly stated up front. In the absence of a common understanding, parties are working at odds or are surprised at a critical stage. People perceive deceit, experience disrespect and lose trust when hidden agendas are operating. To be self-aware is to have a clear statement of our agenda – what we want or need. When the coach needs something, they are operating for self-interest rather than solely for the benefit of the coachee. This is one reason it is difficult for managers to coach (empower without advising) direct reports, but easier to mentor (give advice and guidance) that delivers the result the manager needs.
What aspect of my identity is supported or boosted when I mentor or coach?
Aspects of our identity (how we see ourselves or present ourselves to others) are generally framed as ‘I am…’ statements. E.g., I am a professional coach. I am the father of my children. We can frame identity based on many things including relationships, work, skills, race, religion, gender, values. To improve our self-awareness in this area of identity, try answering the question ‘Who am I? Note how your response might change in different contexts. Understanding who we are is important. If an aspect of our identity is challenged in some way, we will likely try to prove or defend it. Thus we are not working to serve the other person which will detract, if not sour, the experience. When we are aware of strengths or vulnerabilities in our sense of identity we are well placed to intentionally manage them.
What’s a belief about myself that serves me well as a mentor or coach?
Getting some clarity of the beliefs (and thoughts or feelings) that serve us well as a mentor or coach will help build an evidence base that supports our confidence to operate in the mentor and coaching environment. Subject matter expertise, experience and known solutions are great for mentoring conversations (sharing experience and advice), but become one of the biggest hindrances to genuinely coaching and empowering someone to discover their way forward. Clarity of when our strengths serve us well enables us to frame conversations accordingly and to be intentional about the skills we need to develop to coach or mentor effectively in different contexts.
Self-awareness does not guarantee a great mentoring or coaching experience, but the absence of it is like apple pie filling without a pastry crust. The pastry crust gives shape to the pie (mentor or coaching conversation) and adds to the richness and satisfying flavour (skills and content) of the filling.
Moving forward, I invite you to give yourself a gift – curiosity. Ask yourself what can I learn about myself? You may find it helpful to suspend self-judgements and criticism for the benefit of growing and being more effective. Secondly, check if there is any hesitancy to exploring your self-awareness. If none, perhaps you can identify a time and place to consider the questions above. If there is some hesitancy, be specific about what that hesitancy is – this will be a self-aware insight for you. You can then decide what you do (or don’t do) with that insight.
If you are interested in developing your coaching skills, consider the APS Academy’s Coaching and Developing Others program led by Ross and other experienced coaches.
Questions or comments can be directed to Ross at the Academy or via LinkedIn
About Ross
Ross facilitates adult learning and development for the APS Academy. Ross holds the prestigious Professional Coach Certification with the International Coaching Federation and is an accredited team coach with the World Institute for Action Learning.
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